Parameters of Purity
Posted By Miss Jocelyn Tzahala on March 14, 2010 | Category: Editorals, Feelin' Feminine, I Follow Yeshua HaMashyiach, In The Life Of A Country Girl, The Scriptures
A friend emailed the other day asking what she should do about letting a guy-friend know she no longer wished to email privately with him. She said “I want to reply, but I also need to stop compromising on my purity standards.”
It’s important to have standards for yourself, based on the Scriptures, to remain pure, and I’ve found that is also helpful to write them down as a way of resolve and a reminder for yourself. Writing them down causes you to really ponder and look at what they are, and if you’ve held to them or not. If you have no parameter you can’t know if you’ve stayed inside it or not.
The Father is ever watchful of his children and has given us instruction in his word on how we are to conduct ourselves. Through his Word we can know what he expects of us and what kind of parameter we should set. Some may need a smaller parameter then others, but there are some basics we can all follow.
How can we keep ourselves pure? The only way to ever live up to purity or righteousness is by keeping our hearts and mind focused and following the Scriptures.
How can a young man keep his way pure? By guarding it according to your word.
Psalms 119: 9Let my heart be pure in your laws, so that I won’t be put to shame.
Psalms 119:80
The Messiah always kept his focus on the Father. He was in perfect unity with him, and the Father’s peace will be on our hearts and minds if we are union with the Messiah. You’ve, no doubt, heard the “what things are true, noble, pure…” but have you really applied it to your thoughts and hearts? It is quite a task to always be “true, noble, pure…” in your thoughts, not just on things having to do with romance. How many times a day to you say something that is unkind or unloving?
Then God’s shalom, passing all understanding, will keep your hearts and minds safe in union with the Messiah Yeshua. 8 In conclusion, brothers, focus your thoughts on what is true, noble, righteous, pure, lovable or admirable, on some virtue or on something praiseworthy. 9 Keep doing what you have learned and received from me, what you have heard and seen me doing; then the God who gives shalom will be with you.
Philippians 4:7-9
To keep your thoughts pure in these ‘extra’ areas you have to be constantly training and disciplining yourself in every area. It has to be a natural part of your conduct, otherwise you really won’t stand a chance in the end, no matter how hard you try.
We try not to put obstacles in anyone’s path, so that no one can find fault with the work we do. 4 On the contrary, we try to commend ourselves in every way as workers for God by continually enduring troubles, hardships, calamities, 5 beatings, imprisonments, riots, overwork, lack of sleep and food. 6 We commend ourselves by our purity, knowledge, patience and kindness; by the Ruach HaKodesh [Set Apart Spirit]; by genuineness of love 7 and truthfulness of speech; and by God’s power. We commend ourselves through our use of righteous weapons, whether for pressing our cause or defending it; 8 through being honored and dishonored, praised and blamed, considered deceptive and sincere, 9 unknown and famous.
2 Corinthians 6: 3-9
You have to view everyone in the same manner to respect and honour them as brothers and sisters in the Messiah {1 Timothy 5:1-3}. Showing any kind of special treatment to someone, even if it respecting them more, is giving them a higher place in your life.
If a person keeps himself free of defilement by the latter, he will be a vessel set aside for honorable use by the master of the house and ready for every kind of good work. 22 So, flee the passions of youth; and, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart, pursue righteousness, faithfulness, love and peace.
2 Timothy 2: 21-22
We must set ourselves aside for the work which the Father has given us, and flee the passions of youth to purse righteousness, faithfulness, love, and peace. We do not need to be “looking for a spouse” if we are truly trusting in the Father and seeking his will. We should be content where we are and when he decides to present us with a relationship then it should be our focus. When men approach me who have this as their ‘relationship status’ it really turns me away, because it seems that is all they will be looking for. They won’t view me in absolute purity. This is not to say one shouldn’t think on it at all. We have to prepare to be the mother or father Yah has created us to be, but we have to be aware of the importance we place on it in view of purity.
When we first began blogging my Mother Dear laid out some rules for us girls on the blogging site we were on, and over the years as I’ve grown from a 14yo to a 18yo I’ve used her guidance and wisdom to form my own personal online rules. They have truly helped me to stand firm and to let guys know of my commitment to purity and what that means.
- Don’t email with men, young or married, on a personal, regular basis.
- If young men would like to email on a personal level they must get permission from the parents.
- Don’t chat or private message with young men at all… that facebook chat is so convenient, so inviting, isn’t? Just say “No, I’m committed to purity”. You might feel a little awkward in the beginning, but it is just something you have to do.
- Don’t add men as friends on social networks without the permission of the parents. Your parents should be ever present in all areas of your life and should know who you ‘hang out’ with.
- Only add men to social network pages if they are friends with the parents as well. Your parents should see what kind of iron you’re sharpening yourself with and if it’s edifying.
- Let the guy know upfront that you can only be friends with him in a public, non-personal matter. Any guy worth keeping in contact with should respect that decision, and it will prevent any hurt or offended feelings if they know these are your standards.
- Avoid all appearances of evil, and don’t treat guys like they’re you’re girlfriends – don’t leave friendly {read: flirty} comments on their blogs, facebook, twitter, etc. I’ve seen a friend do this and her feelings for him are obvious, though I don’t think she would admit it because she doesn’t realize it herself.
- If a guy shows you special attention, don’t encourage him – don’t quickly reply to his comments, don’t chit-chat with him, don’t give him any reason to think of you other than a sister (at least until a commitment is made). Chances are if he’s flirting with you, he’s flirting with others too.
“Above everything else, guard your heart; for it is the source of life’s consequences.” {Proverbs 4:23} It will deceive you if you put your trust in it and what its feeling. Lean on the Father’s understanding and the Spirit’s leading, and continually seek out those who will help you stay in that parameter of purity. I have seen the damage that can be done from not allowing these people in, and it is hurtful for everyone. You must “Obey my commands, and live; guard my teaching like the pupil of your eye.” {Proverbs 7:2} and “Hold fast to discipline, don’t let it go; guard it, for it is your life.” {Proverbs 4:13}
This article was originally published in the February Issue of Challenging Femininity.
Comments
31 Responses to “Parameters of Purity”
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Thank you for visiting my site! I hope that it has encouraged and challenged you in someway. Please be aware that my blog is not intended for any debatable purposes (honestly!!), though that's not to say admonishment (via the Scriptures in context) is not welcome. This is simply just a place for me to share what YHVH-God is convicting me of and showing me in my walk with Him. Please read "You're Judgmental" before commenting if the thought strikes you.
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Shalom, welcome to A Pondering Heart. I hope you will be challenged by what you read here and it will cause you to search deeper and deeper into the Word of YAH. My name is Jocelyn Tzahala - I am a 19yo young woman, living in Latin America, seeking to be 'set apart as YHVH is set-apart". I want my faith to resemble that Avraham because in him YHVH found a man who would trust in him with everything and act upon his Word. My hope is that my life may be a sweet fragrance unto YHVH the MOST HIGH! HalleluYAH!
Amazing Jocelyn; I have no other words. Really, your blog is a true BLESSING for all young ladies. I think it is important to point that Facebook and all that stuff is very dangerous. There is no private life anymore ! I’d like you to go at illbehonest.com. There was a sermon called “Ladies, does the way you dress causes your brothers to sin ?” and the preacher talks about 10 things that may be a stumblin block. It reminds me your Modesty Checklist post. We need to talk about these things, really. We are modest because we are committed to guard our heart and keep it pure, not for “legalism”, as some would say…
Anyyway, great post. I once heard that we know the things of the Bible but we constantly need to be reminded about them. True !
Blessings !
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Miss Jocelyn Tzahala's Reply:
March 14th, 2010 at 7:48 pm
Thank you Stephanie. I am so glad to hear your thoughts about this!
:)
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Jocelyn,
Yes truly a wonderful post. It is a blessing to my heart to hear you make the choice to listen to the direction of your parents. It ever is amazing at the steps you and our family make towards the path of Yah. May you be blessed……
Have you ever heard of the book called The Challenge by Carolyn. I am reading it to my daughter…but oh if all men and women are this pure. IF you can find it, I would recommend it…..
Thank you again for a peek into a pure heart
Andi
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Miss Jocelyn Tzahala's Reply:
March 14th, 2010 at 7:50 pm
I haven’t heard of that book before. Maybe you would want to write a review of it for FF? Sounds like a great resource.
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That was great, Joc. Thanks for that!
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There are *so many* reasons why our young ladies must protect themselves. I haven’t been a Christian long and fell so many times when I was your age. I could tell stories that would make most of your readers’ heads spin. For a long time I was much the worse for it, before I found Messiah.
So very much better to keep pure than to have to grieve for lost chastity!
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Jocelyn, I have been reading your blog for a couple of weeks now. I’m not sure how I found it physically, but I know that spiritually I found it by no accident, it was the leading of the Holy Spirit. You are an inspiration! Thank you for sharing your convictions with us. I am amazed that one so young has such wisdom from the Lord. Keep posting – please! I am sharing your blog with my daughters – one is 24 and married and the other is 17. Your mother is so blessed to have daughters so committed to living a life pleasing to the Messiah! I can’t wait to meet you in person one day!
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Miss Jocelyn Tzahala's Reply:
March 14th, 2010 at 7:51 pm
I am glad to hear you’ve enjoyed what the Lord has placed on my heart to share and I hope it blesses many as it has you! Blessings in the Messiah!
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Great post….hope to see you SOON! ;) So far we did all our “talking” around lunch and as is I think it’s set for Tuesday but we haven’t had our “final” talk yet. lol
But I’m bouncing in my chair (err, the floor. lol) anyhow. lol
{{{HUUUUUUUUUGS}}}
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Miss Jocelyn Tzahala's Reply:
March 14th, 2010 at 7:52 pm
:) well, keep me informed!
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Miss Toria's Reply:
March 14th, 2010 at 8:19 pm
I’ll remind my dad, I think he said he was going to call your dad back tonight….
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So, I have a few questions – If you can’t have any contact on your own (i.e. no personal emails or chats or conversation), if you can’t be friends with them (on facebook, or real life, what have you) without your parents agreeing – how are you going to handle dating/courting? When the whole point is to get to know each other? Or marriage, when you’ll be totally alone together?
Will your parents have ultimate say in your relationship with your future husband? Also, randomly, how can you be friends in a non-personal manner? That sounds more like an acquaintance or how you would treat your next door neighbor….
Hope this doesn’t sound mean or anything – and feel free not to answer, I’m just curious…
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Miss Jocelyn Tzahala's Reply:
March 14th, 2010 at 8:47 pm
I think you misunderstand me about a gentleman having to get permission from my parents to be my friend (on social networking sites…). It is not that I cannot have contact with them ‘on your own’. I am choosing to defer to my parents because I am still under their protection and authority.
I am not sure what being friends with guys has to do with how I am going to handle getting married. Being friends with someone is to no avail while being in a relationship is to the goal of marriage. If you’re not careful friendships with guys can become personal, being personal usually leads to private conversations, private conversations usually lead to intimate feelings and thoughts, and intimate feelings usually lead to giving away your heart and making a fool of yourself as I’ve seen again and again.
When someone comes along who is serious about having a relationship then that will be the time to get to know each other. The only man I am going to give any affections or attention to will only be the man I marry. Until a commitment is made for the purpose of marriage I don’t need to get to know anyone in an intimate way.
I, of course, will want my parents input on any person that wants to have a relationship with me and I know they will have nothing but my best interest at heart. I often discuss things with my mother about what I am looking for in a husband and what kind of man I want to marry. While, I highly doubt anyone I would consider marrying would be disapproved by my parents, I will ultimately make the decision in accepting an offer of marriage or not.
There is no reason for me to be any more personal with any gentlemen, as a mere friend, than, like you said, with a next door neighbor for above mentioned reasons. :) On that note I am friends with several young men, all of whom are also friends with my family, off and online.
I hope that answers your questions! :)
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Kiery's Reply:
March 14th, 2010 at 10:06 pm
Well I don’t know. My husband and I were best friends before we got married, before we were in a relationship even, and I think that it laid a great foundation. Because we were personal, and we knew each other before, as opposed to waiting to get to know each other until we were in a relationship and had to become (personal) friends and think about marriage all at the same time. I would imagine it would add a different/more challenging dynamic, because at least with my husband and I, if we hadn’t already been friends, I doubt we would have had the confidence to go any further.
You seem like you know what you’re doing though, which is awesome :) – I think I’m just coming from a different angle (I’m the weird type of person who would need to be very good friends before entering into a relationship…and who had close friends of both genders…).
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Leandro's Reply:
March 15th, 2010 at 10:29 am
I agree with you. It is God’s idea for you to get married with your best friend too. It is a foundation. But first of all I need God’s instructions (the foundation of the any iniciation) for the right time and which lady I must iniciate a best friendship with, then to pass through her authorities (parents or any tutor), to ask my parents’ and her’s if they can see God’s idea on it and then be “released” by God and by the parents to switch from a common friendship (firstly with some parameter-of-purity restrictions) to a deeper friendship (not necessarily romantic).
In my own relationship with God, I am able to understand my own right time and I believe God will tell me the right lady who I should “find”. (I don’t know the hows, but I know He will tell/show me something understandable). Today I don’t need any personal, deep, relationship with any girl simply because I know that it is not my right time to find her. If it is not my time, so there is no reason for God to tell me who is my future spouse right now. It makes a lot of sense to me lol. This dynamics depends on my own relationship with our Father himself. For me just the fact of somebody “coming along interested in commitment” for the iniciation of a deeper relationship is very tricky. So the long way I described to iniciate is safer to create a godly environment to understand and make sure that it is really God (not me, not parents and not the lady) who intends marriage for me and a specific lady.
So, it is possible to get married with your best friend at the same time you keep on your parameters of purity today.
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Miss Jocelyn Tzahala's Reply:
March 16th, 2010 at 12:29 am
Leandro, you conveyed this very well and I do agree with you – at the right time Yah will tell me guide me in who I am to marry and at that time I will have a deeper relationship with them.
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Tori L.'s Reply:
March 15th, 2010 at 9:37 pm
Mrs. Kiery,
As a young woman, it is sometimes hard for me to keep my thoughts pure, concerning young men. I understand where you are coming from, but in my opinion it is easier for some girls to “avoid” deep friendships with young men, in order to keep their thoughts pure. It helps me to remember that I need to keep God as my first love. He is the one who matters most, not friendships. If he is my first love, and I stay focused on Him, I think everything else will fall into place.
Not to say that we won’t have our challenges keeping our thoughts pure, but knowing that we have someone who loves us more than anyone else ever could- and all He wants is for us to love Him back. Wow! What an amazing love He has!
Sorry if I went off on a rabbit’s trail here. Just my two-cents!
Miss Jocelyn, I hope you agree with me and don’t mind that I replied!?
Tori L.
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Kiery's Reply:
March 16th, 2010 at 12:13 am
I agree with that last part. I’m just of the mindset that it is possible to have close friends of the opposite gender and still “remain pure”. I guess mostly because I “adopted” all my guy friends as brothers and my views (at the time, I was very much against getting married) were pretty well known, so I didn’t really have those issues. I can understand why it would be easier to avoid friendships, but the downside of that is down the road it can be more challenging to relate to guys (as friends or what have you) because they’re different and we tend to get all bubbly and giggly (or maybe that was just me before I learned that guys can be friends/brothers and not just princes to be waiting for – because if that’s what we see them as, then we really are going to have fun fantasizing…).
I would also imagine that it would be very different if you had a lot of brothers growing up. I have 2 younger brothers, and lots and lots of sisters, so I didn’t really learn how to relate to boys from them. If you’ve got a household of boys I probably sound crazy. I think everyone has a different way that relationships work for them. I guess I just wanted to say that it’s not _bad_ to be close with guys and it is possible to be friends and not compromise or what have you. But again, it’s all different and depends on the individual.
Anyway, thanks for taking the time to clarify and post and reply. It’s really great that you have this thought out, and that will really help you. Hope you don’t mind my differing, I know I’m probably not exactly the target audience, but I find the blog interesting and intriguing, and couldn’t help but comment on this one. :)
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Whew, Miss Jocelyn Tzahala! When you Mother Dear reads your post she’ll probably put down the baby for a while and dance a little jig before Yahweh. How wonderful your parameters are set ! Thanks to your good homeschooling and wonderful parents and Ruach Ha Kodesh for “putting you over”. I love your rules. I think it would be good on No.3 to lift up the name of Yeshua Ha Mashyiach and tell of your love toward Him. Thank you for ministering to the saints.
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Very noble and respectful parameters. I encourage you to keep them. Having them written is a good idea.
When I find a young lady with those parameters, she instantly gets my entire respect toward her. That is just the opposite when I find another lady without them, I usually avoid any kind of personal relationship with her (even a common relationship), because a couple of years ago I didn’t do that and I got into a lot of problems to convince a girl friend that I was not looking for a romantic relationship with any girl. That ruined our friendship, she got a little mad, and today I am more careful about that. These parameters are good to protect our own purity and other’s, even though they are careless.
I made some parameters too with some more itens in it lol, and also an written “emergency plan” in case of everything fails, just to make sure that my heart will be always protected. Fortunatelly I’ve never had to use that plan so far. LOL
Shalom!
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I like what EliYah@EliYah’s Home Page said about meeting his wife. You can find it by clicking on the Search box to the left at his home page and then typing in “How I met my wife” and then clicking on 1.Photos of EliYah&Family. I really appreciate your wisdom and prudence and discernment, Miss JocelynTzahala.
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I find what it is you are doing here to be ever so glorifying and edifying in HaShem!
May the Lord bless you and keep you may He make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you. May He lift up His countenance towards you and grant you shalom!
It has been a long journey for me being raised without the guidance of scripture. I have also found that the more I write the scriptures on my heart the easier purity follows!
Furthermore on this topic of parameters, personally when I would have a dream that was not good to my soul and prayed for YHWH to take it from me it would flee. Truly after about a year of doing this I had very few disturbing dreams. Now when I awake I can sometimes remember praying in my sleep but cannot recount the dream.
About social networking I think the rules you follow are prudently wise.
As a wife and mama I blog but other than that we just don’t subscribe (facebook, twitter, myspace, etc.). This is something my husband and I decided after he had joined one to help promote his business. The consequences were a lot of ladies wanted him to be their “friends”. I can’t see how this is good for any marriage.
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What a great post. I had this happen a few years ago with a young man that has been a friend of the family since I was little. My parents knew of it, so I wasn’t secretive about it to them— they didn’t know what to think of it but trusted the young man and read my emails from him and the ones I sent back. Then we started IMing a couple times a week. Then later on we started courting, that ended about about 7 months ago. I knew I didn’t want to do that again with any young man because it was wierd and cause me to be uncomfortable in some ways but not enough that I stopped. I am sorry that we were emailing and iming now but at the time it seemed harmless enough but then he was STILL and unmarried man and that in and of itself means it should have stopped. Thank you for posting this agian it means a lot to hear it.
~*~Megan~*~
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Hello m’dear,
Just wanted to stop by real quick and let you know that I’m thinking and praying for you. Hope you’re doing okay….love you mucho and praying that YHVH would bless you with a Shabbat full of His Shalom!
{{{HUGS}}}
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Hello! I love this site… but reading this i had a few questions: In an earlier reply to another persons comment, you said:
“The only man I am going to give any affections or attention to will only be the man I marry”
… well, i’m wondering from the guy’s perspective, how would they even know to pursue or inquire to a commitment to you unless they knew that you as the woman, also would be agreeable to it? I have brothers, and from what I understand they want to know about the woman’s opinion before courtship. In other words, how does the guy know you are interested in him?
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Miss Jocelyn Tzahala's Reply:
March 24th, 2010 at 1:55 am
Hi there Jenn, thanks for visiting and taking the time to comment. :)
I am really trusting in the Father in all of this and know when the right time comes with the right man the Father will open the right doors and will show us the right steps to take. All the gentlemen I know have contact with me and my family through the internet, blogs, and social networking sites – which show the type of person, believer, and woman I am. Though I choose to keep my relationships with gentlemen on a friend (acquaintance) level there is ample opportunity for a guy to get to know me via those outlets, just as anyone else. We’ve had guys ask my parents if they could be friends with us girls on different social networking sites and if later they wanted to pursue the relationship more they would be in contact. There are ways to go about this without compromising yours or his purity, and one can never be too cautious in these areas.
Also, what I said about ‘affections or attention’ did not mean I would simply ignore all guy’s existence, but rather it really would be no more than a family-friend.
I hope that makes sense. Like Erin said it is hard to know how to phrase all of this to make sure I’m clear on my meaning! lol :)
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Hello Miss Jocelyn!
Thank you so much for your caring advice. I’ve had the same burden on my heart and it’s so hard to know how to phrase your reasons for rejecting the communications of a man like that, but it’s so often for the better! And yes, it’s so true, that if God wills for a man and woman to be together in matrimony, then it will happen. This is why God requires of us patience to wait upon Him! We’ll be so blessed if we submit and obey.
Keep serving Christ :)
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Miss Jocelyn Tzahala's Reply:
March 24th, 2010 at 1:58 am
ERIN!!!!!! :) Nice to hear to you!
Thank you for your comment! They are always encouraging to me.
Love and hugs to you, dear!
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Thank you so much!! :) I understand what you’re saying now… Blessings!
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I loved reading your blog. You have such a different outlook on the world. I became a follower of Christ when I was about 16 (I am 24 and married now). The Lord has shown me many things but still here I have just learned in this post about things that I wish I knew long ago. How blessed you are and how blessed we are that you share what you are taught. I know that there are many sincere believers that do not have parents to guide them in their associations with people, orphens or children who have parents that don’t believe or trust the Lord. Sites like these are a source to them…and me. Many thanks my dear.
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Miss Jocelyn Tzahala's Reply:
March 31st, 2010 at 1:59 am
Thank you for your encouraging and kind words. Indeed I am blessed and am continually thanking the Father for the place he has placed me and that I might humbly present and share his Truth!
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